#13 tiny thoughts
accumulated from the week
It’s been a week full of conversations, navigating new territories, and reflections. I’m feeling exhausted mentally and physically, so this week I won’t be forcing myself to make a full post.
Instead, I’ll be sharing some tiny, un-fleshed-out thoughts.
Being 80% in control of my own happiness
Ideally I’d like to be 100%.
That’s not to say I want to be happy all the time. I want to be in control of my response to any life situation, and be fully responsible about how I feel, how I react.
No longer a case of “you did this, and that makes me feel this way.” Instead, “I feel this way when this thing happened.” It’s a slight change in how I think about my feelings, and it’s taken me many years to reach this point of having more agency over my emotional responses.
This helps me to examine what parts of me needs to be taken care of rather than expecting others to change their ways to make me happy.
I have to heal those parts of myself that are wounded.
“for there is nothing either good or
bad, but thinking makes it so.”
- Hamlet
Exploration thrills
The exhilarating part about trying something new is that I never know what I’m going to find. The intricacies and nuances of a topic can be so vastly different from how I initially thought of it.
Just like getting to know someone at a more intimate level.
First impressions
I used to think I don’t make first impressions, because I want to get to know a person or something more before making a judgment. But in fact, I subconsciously make that first judgement.
As I grew up and see more of the world, it’s easier to place people in categories and labels.
More so now, than before, I need to open my heart and mind to give people and things a shot, discover what’s beneath the surface.
What am I seeking for?
For freedom to do something?
For the permission to go?
Or just not wanting to be held back?
Is it truly open-ended for me or am I looking to get away?
What’s stopping me from staying on a single path and seeing how that unfolds?
I think it’s about the fear of not living enough.
Impermanence and letting go
I’ve contemplated on how impermanent relationships can be. If I ever make wedding vows one day - would “till death do us part” be a part of it? Would I have the faith that it could? Right now, no.
People can waltz in and out of our lives any time.
I can also do the same.
“So how do we celebrate impermanence, suffering, and egolessness in our everyday lives? When impermanence presents itself in our lives, we can recognise it as impermanence. We don’t have to look for opportunities to do this. When your pen runs out of ink in the middle of writing an important letter, recognise it as impermanence, part of the whole cycle of life. When someone’s born, recognise it as impermanence. When someone dies, recognise it as impermanence. When your car gets stolen, recognise it as impermanence. When you fall in love, recognise it as impermanence, and let that intensify the preciousness. When a relationship ends, recognise it as impermanence.
…
Usually we just react habitually to events in our lives. We become resentful or delighted, excited or disappointed. … But when we recognise impermanence as impermanence, we can also notice what our reaction to impermanence is. This is called mindfulness, awareness, curiosity, inquisitiveness, paying attention. Whatever we call it, it’s a very helpful practice, the practice of coming to know ourselves completely.”
-When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön
Knowing when it’s our time to go, first starts with a deep sense of self-knowing.
But I’m also grateful for friendships that have lasted, or have proven to be strong in our foundations despite a shorter period of time together. These are the types of people that I want to keep in my life.
Side note:
I’m also thinking about getting a tattoo related to impermanence and staying in the now. I can’t decide what’s a good quote or visual though. Any ideas? :)
The permanence of the ink beneath my skin scares me, but it’s a message I want to remember.